smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
