I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
