I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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