so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Houston, we have a squirter
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
