I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
