the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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