Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
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We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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