He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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