i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
