I'm so fucking centered right now
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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