I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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