Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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