I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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