I will die if light touches me.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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