Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
