Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There r osticjed everywhere
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
