I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The best revenge is premature balding
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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