My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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