I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
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It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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