I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
