I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize