mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
