It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
