My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
