there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
