I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I will pee on everything he values.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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