Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
