I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
