could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
