Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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