We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
