I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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