I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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