How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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