The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
