I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
