I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
