Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
