1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
