Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
