If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
