Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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