Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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