Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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