You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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