I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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