took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
