like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
People in love make me want to vomit
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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