if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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