I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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