How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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