oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
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no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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