Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
