Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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