the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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