I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I CAN MOONWALK!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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