i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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