Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
