There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
