I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
